Spider-Man 3

Well, the critical consensus, I'm sorry to say, is pretty accurate: Spider-Man 3 is a bit of a dud. It was sporadically entertaining, and the climax appealed to the 12-year-old in me, but this film is loaded with script problems, and it's too bad, because the themes of forgiveness and altruism are noble, but the approach is hackneyed.

Number 3 begins with Peter Parker uncharacteristically happy. He is ready to propose to Mary Jane, who has a part in a Broadway show. But then the wheels start to fall off for everyone. Harry Osborn still blames Spider-Man for the death of his father, The Green Goblin. Mary Jane, who shouldn't sing without the aid of a karaoke machine, gets axed from her play. A rival photographer is edging Pete out for a staff job at the Daily Bugle. And a pesky bit of glop from outer space turns Spidey into Mr. Hyde. Oh, and then there's The Sandman.

It seems that superhero franchises can't get past the third-film curse. It happened to Superman, Batman and now Spidey. I thought the first film was a joy, the second was great, but this one is just all over the map. I knew going in that I would see the Green Goblin, Jr., the Sandman, and Venom, which is what the nasty bit of glop turns into, but that's way too much weight for any film to carry. Venom doesn't appear until the movie is over half-over. But for all those supervillains, we still get long stretches of mind-numbing scenes like Mary Jane and Harry doing the Twist while making omelets, or a forced bit of comedy with a French-accented maitre 'd (played by Raimi regular Bruce Campbell). There's also interminable scenes between Peter and Mary Jane (not particularly well-played by either Toby Maguire or Kirsten Dunst, who seem tired of the whole thing). I just wanted to tell both of them to shut up.

Of the villains, only The Sandman is interesting. He is a thief who might have gone straight if we had a national health care plan, and gets his powers from an industrial accident, one of the major ways of getting such powers (the other is gamma rays, which can sometimes come from an industrial accident). Thomas Haden Church gives the character some dignity and pathos. Topher Grace is Eddie Brock, the photographer who ends up as Venom. Grace is now specializing in playing young assholes, such as in Traffic and In Good Company and here. He might have fared better had he not been the afterthought villain. The less said about James Franco as Goblin Jr. the better.

The script also includes some clunky plot devices like amnesia and the biggest whopper--the glop from outer space attaches itself to Spider-Man through sheer randomness. Out of six billion people, an asteroid from space just happens to land near a guy who is a superhero? Every serious Spider-Man fan knows that he got the black suit when he took part in the Secret Wars, and it was his own hubris that got him in such a mess (and by the way, Secret Wars would make an awesome movie, undoubtedly the most expensive ever made).

If there is a Spider-Man 4 (we still haven't seen Parker's professor, Dr. Connors, turn into The Lizard yet), keep it simple. One or two villains at the most, and have Parker give Mary Jane the boot for Gwen Stacy. Try to remember what was good about the first two films, and get a script doctor, stat.