Miss Teen USA

I've copped to a number of embarrassing things on this blog, but perhaps none so much as this: last Friday night I watched, with laser-like focus, the Miss Teen USA pageant. Was it because I am a big Saved By the Bell fan, and thus tuned in to see Mario Lopez host? No. Am I a big fan of musical guests Kat DeLuna or the Jonas Brothers (who?) No. Maybe it just makes me well with patriotic pride to see young people of this country who have good G.P.A.s and don't do drugs? Not really. No, I tune in for the obvious reason, which is probably why most of the viewers do. It's two hours of yummy eye candy.

Beauty pageants are a curious artifact from the antediluvian TV era. Used to be that pageants like Miss America drew big ratings and the winner was instantly famous. Now that faded pageant has trouble finding a home on basic cable. I'm sure the reasons for this are simple and good ones: in this era of hundreds of channels, there's lots better on, and the whole idea of young women parading around like prize heifers is an intellectual turn-off. Feminism dealt a severe blow to the whole concept of beauty pageants, and in an attempt to keep up with the times, they were rechristened "scholarship" pageants, stressing that the women were being rewarded for their brains and citizenship, but nobody believed it.

When Donald Trump bought the Miss USA, Miss Universe, and Miss Teen USA pageants, he did away with that notion. No scholarships are awarded to the winners, just cash and prizes. Trump turned the pageants into something that readers of Maxim would want to see (many former contestants have turned up in Playboy, no surprise). Now that some prominent women are writing books that feminism is a bad thing (women who have achieved prominence on the backs of the women of the feminist movement, but that's another story) no one seems to care that these pageants are a form of soft-core titillation for perverts like me.

As for the pageant itself, I found it very easy to predict who was going to do well. Even with only a five-second glimpse of the 51 original contestants, I predicted about half of the first fifteen semi-finalists. They still go through the familiar rituals: swimwear, evening gown, and then at the end they answer a question. This seems highly unfair, kind of like the kids in the final round of the spelling bee determining the winner by arm-wrestling. Poor Miss South Carolina was given the question: "Only 1 in 5 student in the U.S. can identify their own country on a map. Why is that?" Looking as if she were smacked between the eyes by a two-by-four, South Carolina went on to give a gloriously incoherent answer, something about not all kids having maps, and then mentioning South Africa and "the Iraq." She might have been the prettiest of the five finalists, but as she went back to her spot her chances of winning were doomed.

Miss Colorado, Hilary Cruz, got a softball question: "Who do you prefer: Paris Hilton, Nichole Richie, or Lindsay Lohan, and why?" Hilary, with the impeccable timing of a vaudevillian, waited a beat before saying, "Well, none of them are my role models," which earned her a big ovation. They might as well have put the tiara on her head right then and there, and sure enough, she won. She gets a boat-load of prizes, and signs a contract with the Trump organization, and will live for a year in an apartment in Trump Tower with Miss USA and Miss Universe. I'm sure her parents are regretting that she won already.

In time, these pageants may end up in the ash heap of history. I read that NBC will not continue to air Miss Teen USA, so I guess pervs have better things to do on a Friday night. Other than affecting the tiara and sash manufacturers, this is a good thing for society, though I will sorely miss it.