Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex is based on a comic-book series that I'm unfamiliar with, but outwardly it would seem like something I would like: a hybrid of the Western, horror, and sci-fi genres. But after only a few minutes into the picture I realized that I was in for a grim time at the movies. The film is ugly, unpleasant, and stupid, and instead of a clever meld of genres, it's a collision.

Directed by Jimmy Hayward without any flair, the story concerns a Confederate soldier (Josh Brolin), who in the opening is forced to watch his family burned to death by his commanding officer (John Malkovich). A whole lot of exposition is laid out in a short time, but I think what happened is that Brolin refused to attack a hospital, and somehow Malkovich's son got killed. Malkovich then killed Brolin's family and additionally branded Brolin's face. Left for dead, Brolin is revived by some Crow Indians, and in the process ends up straddling the line between life and death--he's very tough to kill, and he can talk to dead people.

Malkovich fakes his own death so he can mount a terrorist organization set on overthrowing the government (his character's name is Quentin Turnbull, which seems too close to William Quantrill to be a coincidence). The film makes an attempt at relevance by both being an example of the Tea Party gone wild, and making parallels to Islamic terrorism (at one point Malkovich says there are no innocent people). But instead of making the film relevant, it just trivializes the news of today. When some of Malkovich's men act as suicide bombers it just made me angry.

Brolin is employed by the U.S. government (Aidan Quinn plays President Grant) to stop Malkovich, who has his hands on a superweapon that is completely anachronistic. I guess the U.S. Army was too involved with trying to wipe out the Indians to help (the film is set at the Centennial celebration in 1876, which was precisely when Custer was getting his scalp handed to him at the Little Bighorn).

Also in the cast is Megan Fox, as a whore who loves Brolin, despite his facial deformity. She seems bored by the whole enterprise, and looks far too contemporary to be authentic (no whore in 1876 had skin and teeth looking that good). She also wears a corset, which makes her look like a swizzle stick. Her greatest achievement continues to be her pictorials in Maxim.

Ultimately, Jonah Hex is a mash-up of movies both good and bad like Hang 'Em High, The Crow, and Wild Wild West. I'm always up for a Western, but this one isn't even technically a Western--it's set in Georgia, South Carolina and Virginia. Which makes it curious how, late in the picture, Brolin receives aid from Indians, who had long been removed from the part of the country. It was called the Trail of Tears. You can look it up.