LeBron's Decision

"What is so fascinating about a bunch of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop," asks Janet Margolin, as Woody Allen's shrewish intellectual wife, in Annie Hall. After last night's sorry spectacle airing on ESPN, in which superstar basketball player LeBron James chose the Miami Heat as his new team, the question lingers.

I'm hardly an NBA fan. I used to be a big Pistons fans, back when they were the Bad Boys, and I watched the playoffs with laser-focused intensity. But by the time they won again six years ago I hardly noticed. I don't think I've watched an NBA game from start to finish in over twenty years. But somehow I know what's going on. It's hard not to. I watch ESPN throughout the day (watching the cable-news channels makes me want to slit my wrists) and over the last few weeks the entire network was breathless in its anticipation of what the great LeBron would do. The story also crossed over to all other news outlets, from the evening news to NPR. Everyone, it seems, was interested or had an opinion about what James would do.

To that end, LeBron and the network set up an unprecedented hour of television last night. Pretentiously called "The Decision," it was a prime-time show devoted to something that took three seconds: LeBron announcing with what team he would sign. We were told he would make this announcement within ten minutes of the start of the show, but it was almost nine-thirty before he broke the hearts of everyone in Cleveland and revealed that he would bolt to Miami, where he would join two other superstars, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, to form the New York Yankees of the NBA.

As I'm not a fan of the NBA, I don't care where LeBron plays, but I tuned in last night to see how furious the hype machine whirled. It was a doozy. The ESPN announcers and analysts may have been describing the results of a presidential election for all the gravitas they gave it. To their credit, they did not attempt to hide any information--right before the show the panel agreed that it looked like Miami was a done deal--but they certainly couched it in "all indications" and hunches.

The show itself, staged bizarrely in a Boys Club in Greenwich, Connecticut (it's nice that the proceeds of sponsorship went to a charity like the Boys Club, but why Greenwich, the richest per capita town in America?), it soon became apparent that this wasn't some sort of celebration, it was going to be like sitting in a restaurant and realizing that the couple at the next table are breaking up. LeBron, with a look of pained guilt on his face, didn't sound joyous about heading to Miami. Instead he had the look of a man who had just told his significant other that he was leaving her for a younger woman. The only thing missing was him saying, "It's not you, it's me."

The reaction of Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert was very like a scorned spouse, recalling Beatrice Straight's scene in Network. He lashed out at LeBron, calling him cowardly and burning any bridges right down to the ground. It's hard to knock the sentiment--with James leaving, the Cavaliers instantly become also-rans, and a city that hasn't had many breaks recently is absorbing yet another blow.

The Heat suddenly become a prime contender, although because of the salary cap their roster is top heavy, and the guys at the end of the bench will be minimum-salary guys. I don't know if this strategy will work, but it certainly achieve the short-term goal of filling seats and attracting viewers. LeBron James may get the championships he craves (and it is interesting that a man who seems so narcissistic is willing to join a team with two other stars), but one wonders whether he has hurt his image in the process.