Dinnertime with ESPN

I watch a lot of ESPN, many more minutes than are equivalent to my sports fanaticism. I think this is mostly because it makes a good background, the kind of thing I can put on and wander in and out of the room. I watch it in the morning, because those network morning shows are like fingernails on the blackboard, and because the all-news channels depress me these days (please, more stories about kooky Tea Party candidates).

I also put ESPN on when I get home from work. They have a block of shows that are kind of a hybrid of sports talk-radio and game show, and have done their best to make sportswriters TV stars, which is a dubious gambit. In many ways these shows appeal to the lowest common denominator, but I watch anyway. It beats the news.

One of the shows is Around the Horn, which is a game show of sorts. Four sportswriters from various parts of the country debate sports issues in sound bites, and their arguments are scored by the toothsome host, Tony Reali. He does this with joysticks, and the sportswriters, who are not present, are on big TV screens. It's all very high-tech, but the content is frequently stupid.

I tune in, despite the show's drawbacks, because it does give me a thumbnail look at the sports news of the day. There are also some writers who are thoughtful and don't come off like barking seals, especially Kevin Blackistone, Bob Ryan, Jackie McMullan, Tim Cowlishaw and J.A. Adande. They are off-set by the sanctimonious Bill Plaschke and the buffoonish Woody Paige, who is the kind of guy who would wear a lampshade at a party. He uses props and makes bad puns, and is about as witty as a pair of Chattering Teeth. The worst guest, however, is not on anymore. Jay Mariotti, a cynical tool who until recently wrote for the Chicago Sun-Times, played the part of the show's asshole, and he suited it all too well. He has been banished from the airwaves after being arrested after a domestic disturbance.

This cacophony is followed by the almost as loud Pardon the Interruption, which is easier to take. There are only two voices--the co-hosts, Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon, former columnists for the Washington Post. Theydiscuss the sports news of the day in brief segments, sometimes interview a guest (for no more than five minutes), and then play some sort of game. Kornheiser is the kvetch, a comedian of sorts who knows more about American Idol than many sports, while Wilbon plays the part of Chicago tough guy, frequently talking about who he would give beat-downs (usually they are sports mascots). These guys have magnificent chemistry, and while one gets the impression that Kornheiser doesn't actually watch much sports, they're both knowledgeable about the major sports, and give lip service to the minor ones.

The problem comes when these two are off, which is often. In the summer they have Johnny Carson-like vacation schedules. If replaced by the aforementioned Bob Ryan, I'm fine with it, but the usual guest-host is the swarthy Dan Le Betard, who acts as if he were dropped on his head as an infant. I'm mystified why anyone would him on television.

Kornheiser spent a few years on Monday Night Football, to mixed results. I don't watch MNF, so I can't speak to his abilities on that show, but he's a hoot for a half-hour while I'm eating my dinner.

There are few other shows on the network during the afternoon. Jim Rome has a show at 4:30, which I'm not home in time for. When I wasn't working I would tune in, but he's hard to take. A macho guy with a booming voice, Rome has a radio show in L.A. and notoriously baited former Rams' quarterback Jim Everett by calling him "Chrissie" (as in Chris Evert, get it?) He's mellowed over the years, but still is the kind of pompous blowhard who is way too impressed with himself.

Then there's Sports Nation, which is on at all different times during the day. It's the dumbest show of the lot, geared toward a kind of frat-boy mentality (they have a live audience that sounds drunk). All of their segments center around polls taken, which makes it like Family Feud. I like half of the hosts--Michelle Beadle, adorable and a genuine sports fan, can be on my TV 24 hours a day, but Colin Cowherd, another sports radio douchebag, should be exiled post-haste. I can't stand this guy, and everything he says comes off as bitter and sarcastic. He earned by enmity when, before the NCAA men's basketball finals, he said he was rooting for Duke. That's bad enough, but it was because, he said, he'd never heard of Butler. Gee, I know it's a small school, but they've consistently been factors in the NCAA tournament for the last couple of years. Anyone who says that either doesn't his ass from his elbow or his just yakking to hear his head roar. I vote for both.