The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn

It's been four years since I checked in on the Twilight series, and while I'm looking at Dracula films I thought I'd see how far the vampire film has devolved. The last of the four of Stephenie Meyer's books, Breaking Dawn, was broken into two parts, and I watched both of them over the weekend so you don't have to.

The decision to make two movies instead of one is craven, as there is no other reason to do it except for the money. The first film, Part 1, is ludicrous, as it's really only Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward's (Robert Pattinson) wedding and honeymoon, which seems to be out of a magazine spread. Jacob, the werewolf (Taylor Lautner) is pissed off because he loves Bella, but he ends up hanging around her house like the guest who won't leave.

Jacob is upset because he learns, in a bit of TMI, that Edward is going to pop Bella's cherry before he turns her into a vampire, and since vampires are so much stronger than humans, he thinks it will kill her. Edward does break down the bed, but the only damage he does is impregnating her. Everyone says this is impossible in hushed tones. She starts showing a mere weeks after the deed, because the baby is growing at an accelerated rate.

Bella's conversion to vampirism is a metaphor for converting to a religion (Meyer is a Mormon) and the pregnancy angle is thinly-veiled pro-life agitprop. Bella keeps saying she wants to keep the baby, even though it may be killing her and may be a monster. When she finally has the baby she only survives because Edward changes her, and her eyes pop open, bright red

That ends the first part. The second part is better, because it at least has action. One of the Cullen cousins sees the child (called Renesmee, and there's something weird about the CGI used on her) and misinterprets. She thinks the Cullens have turned a child, which is against the law in vampiredom. This gets the Vulturi, those guys who look like old rock stars, to assemble an army to kill all the Cullens. If only we could talk to them! everyone says.

The film then piles on an amazing number of ancillary characters, vampires drawn to Washington to defend the Cullens. These range from Irish vampires to Amazonian ones (one looks amazingly like Tyra Banks). They sit and around and argue ad nauseum, and once again my favorite pet peeve about bad movies comes up: don't any of them have jobs? I understand that they drink blood for sustenance, but how to do they get clothes? Pay rent? Carlisle, the "dad" of the Cullens, is a doctor, but he never seems to practice. Instead everyone spends all day looking worried.

The final battle is pretty cool, even though the CGI wolves look terrible, and there's a twist that kind of negates the whole thing. But Edward and Bella live happily ever after,with the word "Forever" prominently displayed, since they are immortal. What will they do when all life on the planet dies?

The films were both directed by Bill Condon, who is a good director but seems hamstrung by the material. I'm sure it had to be faithful, given the potential outcry of the fans, but the story is so stupid that even great direction couldn't help. At times the scenery of the Pacific Northwest looks great, and the snowy scenes of the battle are well done.

Thank goodness this is all over. Now I'll have to endure the remainder of the Fifty Shades of Grey series.