Royalty Porn

Two people who have accomplished nothing in their lives made big news today--it was announced that Prince William of the United Kingdom, heir to the throne, and his girlfriend Kate Middleton have become engaged to be married. The world is set to go crazy about this--TV networks are anticipating stratospheric ratings, and there's already a panoply of kitschy memorabilia for sale. Why are we so fascinated?

When I worked in actual porn, my boss could tell stories that could peel the wallpaper. She was open about her sexuality and love of porn. What was it she kept hidden under her bed? Her royalty magazines. I imagine this is true of many otherwise intelligent people, who have a weakness for these people who lead a real-life soap opera.

I'm not completely immune. I did get up at four o'clock in the morning to watch Princess Diana's funeral, but mainly that was because I wasn't going to miss the spectacle of Elton John playing at Westminster Abbey. I doubt I tune in for this wedding next year, unless there's nothing else on (of course, it will be on all channels, maybe even ESPN).

All of this poses a few questions. One--why is this woman, who appears to be a level-headed person, willingly jumping into the fishbowl like this? She must know she is completely saying goodbye to a normal life. The sturm and drang that her fiance's mother went through is certainly something she's aware of. Can she love a prematurely balding guy this much?

Two--of course it is expected for the heir to the throne to find a respectable woman to breed more heirs, but how much poon-tang does a prince get? We know that Prince Andrew got his share. These boys get sense of duty drilled into them from the time they can walk, but is there an urge to just go wild and bang models for a couple of years? I know I would.

Three--how short will the reign of future King Charles be? He's sixty-two. If his mother, who has indicated she has no plans of stepping down, lives to be the age of her mother when she died, Charles will be near eighty when he takes over. This guy has been such a sad sack I wouldn't be surprised if somehow he never becomes king, and it goes right to William. I think much of England wouldn't be upset by this.

The British monarchy is an incredibly archaic and superfluous institution. I've been told by actual British people that having a nonpartisan head of state can be advantageous, and given the rancor of the American system I see their point. But surely the main reason why the Queen and all of the princes and princesses haven't been made to get real jobs is their entertainment value. They are a real-life soap opera, and we Americans, who pride ourselves on not having royalty, keep trying to manufacture one anyway, whether it's the Kennedys, Bushes or Clintons.

I'm reminded of the great line from Mike Leigh's film High Hopes, in which a scruffy fellow is asked why he never dresses properly: "The day they machine-gun the royal family is the day I put on a coat and tie."