The Heart Attack Grill

Last night I spent my first Halloween in Las Vegas. I and my compatriots spent the evening wandering around Fremont Street, which has sort of become the Times Square of Las Vegas. Three blocks are covered by a canopy, which projected ghoulish jack o'lanterns, and costumed revelers roamed the thoroughfare, admiring each others' fashions.

We built the evening around dining at a restaurant called The Heart Attack Grill. Poking its thumb in the eye of the movement to eat healthy, the Heart Attack Grill goes completely in the opposite direction, encouraging consumption of mass quantities of fat and calories. The Guinness Book of Records has determined that their hamburger has the highest caloric count of any in the world.

The food at this place was adequate, but what they are selling is atmosphere. It is the closest thing I have ever seen to the fictional Jack Rabbit Slim's in Pulp Fiction. First (after a warning that it is a cash only business, because "you might die before the check clears") it is compulsory to wear a hospital gown. In a nod to Hooter's, the waitresses are fetching gals in sexy nurse outfits. Their patter suggest the establishment in a hospital. I ordered the half-pound Coronary Dog, and when I said I wanted everything (bacon, chili, cheese, and onions) the waitress smiled approvingly and said, "Oh, the full surgery!"

I also got a maple shake, made from real butterfat, with an actual butter pat in the drink. Everyone else got cheeseburgers. They range in size from the "single bypass," which is a half-pound, on up to the "octuple bypass," which I don't understand how anyone could eat. Although, those over 350 pounds eat free. If you finish a triple or quadruple bypass burger, you are wheeled out in a wheelchair. The quadruple bypass burger has almost 10,000 calories (it has four half-pound beef patties, 20 slices of bacon, eight slice of American cheese, a whole tomato, half an onion, and a bun coated with lard,

The menu has a range of other items, including vodka shots delivered by syringe or by IV (though not directly into the vein). On their website they declare that their vegetarian item is a pack of cigarettes.

If you do not finish your meal, you are spanked. The waitress who seemed to do all the spanking took pride in her work, and it was not a love tap. The sound echoed through the restaurant. You do get to keep the paddle. All of our crew finished.

The place is vividly decorated, with mannequins of female nurses in wink-wink poses, and a series of movie posters, altered to reflect hamburgers. Thus, there is "A Few Good Burgers," "Pulp Burgers," and "Burger Nights." I found myself looking around more than concentrating on my meal.

The owners of the place have deliberately courted controversy to gain attention. Last night the line was backed up out the door, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Several spankings were administered. No one, to my knowledge, had a heart attack, but there was one person who did since the restaurant has opened. I'm amazed there isn't one in New York yet.